Ask a Puggle

Ask A Puggle

Welcome to the first installment of “Ask a Puggle,” where my crazy but opinionated dog Bruiser answers questions from Slate’s Dear Prudence. Today, Bruiser — in his introduction to the world — will answer two. The first is a woman who, coincidentally, is having issues with her boyfriend and her dog. The second, well, she just needs some advice. If Bruiser gets any questions from readers, he’ll be more than happy to answer them once you send them in.

Dear Prudence,
Once again, my boyfriend and I had a fight over my dog. I have a mini dachshund-chihuahua mix that is my baby. I’m not weird about it; she doesn’t eat from a dinner plate or accompany me on trips to the mall, but she is allowed to sit on the sofa and sleep at the foot of my bed. My boyfriend is pretty much repulsed by this, and my dog, in return, is terrified of him. Last night, she was sitting by me on the sofa and I petted her head. A few minutes later, I playfully reached out to rub my boyfriend’s head and he got really upset, said my hand smelled like the dog, how disgusting that was, etc. He routinely terrorizes her by growling at her when he comes in the door and pinching her on the nose. He’s 48 and I’m 45, so neither of us is going to change our ways, but I wish he could learn to accept that I love my dog and am not going to change just to satisfy him. This has come to the point of almost breaking us up more than once, even though our relationship is otherwise very good. We can’t even consider living together because of this one issue! What’s the compromise here, so that we’re both happy?—Pooch Lover

Dear Pooch:

First off, know I’ve already made a call to your local SPCA. Do you eat out of a plastic bowl on the floor? Do you make company do the same? Then why should your little fufu dog? Just because we’re canines doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings “Pooch Lover.”

Secondly, who are you dating, Michael Vick? For someone who seems like a garage sale special (48 and dating a woman who’s obsessed with her dog? Pfft. Dingleberry.) he sure is picky. Let me ask you this: How often does Mr. Vick bath? Because whether or not my owner decides to load me into the bathtub, I wash daily. Sure, it’s with my tongue, but what else am I supposed to use? You probably groom your little yappie dog more than he maintains his nose hairs. My advice, go to your local dog park with your Taco Bell dog and look for a real man. But remember, guys with huge dogs are like middle-aged men with sports cars — they have lots of disposable income.

Dear Prudence,
I am a middle-aged woman who for almost two decades has been having an affair with a married man. His wife is severely disabled and has no interest in sex. He tells me that if I would marry him, he’d divorce her and put her in a nursing home, but I cannot see why that should happen. Their grown children help with her at-home care. I feel deeply loved by this man and want no one else. So, what’s the problem? People thinking that I have no man in my life, always making comments about it, and trying to fix me up, etc. My man says that I am free to tell them about our relationship. But when I have opened up and explained my situation, I have to hear what a bitch I am (not close friends, of course). I’m a highly independent woman who pays her own bills and makes her own decisions. I’m tired of pretending that I’m a woman without love, for in truth, I’m loved quite deeply. But I also don’t feel that I should have to explain. What’s a woman like me to say?

—Not Lonely

Dear Lonely:

I don’t think I’m any help on this one. I’m neutered.

See More: Dogs of Wars

Tags: Ask a Puggle, Bruiser